Random? TOTALLY RANDOM!
This post...not life's circumstances.* (Disclaimer...this is me at my weakest, not some inspiring story of bravery)
My life at the moment is in SERIOUS transition...a MAJOR INTERSECTION, not even close to a crossroads, but multiple highways crisscrossing: a congestion filled intersection, traffic lights are out, and no one is directing traffic. Which road to take, where to turn...where to live, when to pack? (such changes are extremely stressful for my personality type...I thrive on organization and preparedness) None of which I seem to posses at the moment. It is all a blur and each day, the only peace I find is at work, doing what I love best, and interacting with my patients and my coworkers. But even this week, I could not seem to find escape at work.
The first day of my work week I didn't feel my usually anticipation and eagerness. It was absent and so was I...mentally. I came in and instantly fell apart, unable to function. Life had me far too overwhelmed, and I was ready to ask my boss for a personal day, go home, crawl into bed, and fall fast asleep so I didn't have to think or feel. One of my angels, shut the door to the exam room, let me cry my heart out, and then said, "Steph, you can get through today...just get through your first exam, it will be tough, I know, blame your red eyes on allergies, try your best, I know it won't be easy by any means, but then get the next patient, and let this be your escape. Get lost in work today. Stop thinking and BE HERE for your patients...it will help and by the third one you won't even be thinking about what you were crying about...you can deal with all of that later. ESCAPE into what you love..."
She was right!!!After an entire box of tissues, attempting to reapply my makeup three times, finally giving up, I listened, put on my big girl pants, and called my first patient of the day. I survived. Barely at first, but by lunch time and deciding to give up any and all attempts at keeping my makeup intact, it started to feel more like a normal work day.
ONE DAY AT A TIME. Mid week my special angel friend gave me a very special gift: a magnet that now hangs on my fridge and reads:
"Courage does not always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
TODAY, my world was lite so bright that my chest actually hurt because my heart was so filled with pure enjoyment of THE PRESENT MOMENT and the innocence of a sweet child. I was lost in time. And I didn't want it to end. From the moment I called her mommy's name from the waiting room, she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and immediately started to tell me about the jpretty dress she picked out and her favorite Arial Purse, and her baby sisters inside of mommy's tummy. I was captivated instantly. During the scan she wanted to sit next to mommy on the exam bed, and instead of laying back into her mother's arms and cuddling, she sat straight up, placed her little warm hand on my wrist and held onto me gently as we scanned...together. She talked about her daddy not being home because he was work, and about school and her friends, and that one day her sisters would be going to school too. At only three years of age, she had more to share with me than most of my patients combined from an entire day. Her voice melted my soul. I was lost...time couldn't stand still long enough to satisfy my heart. I wanted these moments with her to LAST. Strange...I know. This little girl was taking all my the hurt and confusion away...gently and softly...sent to me as an angel at exactly the right time. I didn't want to finish, but we were done scanning and she had to get down. As I sat at the computer to complete the report for the doctor before his consult, who came to my side? My little old angel, asking, "Can I sit with you?" OF COURSE! I picked her petite little girlie self up and placed her in my lap, just as I used to do with my own baby girl when she was little. She sat contently in my lap as I typed everything out, and we talked some more...my heart filling with appreciation for the sweetness she freely gave to me. Her mother and grandmother were amazed...telling me she has never acted like this before. This was a new experience for them to witness. I was not surprised though, because I knew it was not by chance that she was in my world at that moment. I needed her and God knew that.
The doctor came in and I quietly asked the grandmother if I could take Kennedy out of the room to pick out stickers. Yes. We spent the next 10 minutes cuddled in a desk chair, long after she picked her stickers. She told me all about her friends, and about Jaden who splashed her while they were feeding ducks and how her daddy was having a birthday soon and he was turning 29. I hung on every word she said...listening with all of my heart and soul. I asked if she liked tea parties and she proceeded to tell me that she loves tea parties and even Mommy and Daddy come to her tea parties. Her head was tucked under my chin and her soft brown curls touched my skin causing EVERYTHING in my world STOP...allowing me to breathe.
When it came time to say goodbye, she hugged me tight, and then hung onto my legs. She attempted to explain that it was now time for her to go home and she had to leave me now, but she wanted to stay. We said goodbye, and then she came running back, held her arms open wide, and I knelt down to wrap her in my arms, she squeezed so tightly, I wished I could STAY right there forever. If I had to choose a last moment on earth...that could have been it!!! Her little arms wrapped around my neck and she kissed my cheek...saying every so sweetly, "Thank you for coming." (Everyone around smiled and laughed...she had been the one who came to see us...but her perception was that of pure, innocent gratitude, as though we had come to SEE HER!)
I ached inside. I went directly to the physician's office, closed the door, held my chest for the pressure was overwhelming, and I cried. I am privileged to work with a wonderful group of physicians, but the one I was assigned to today, has been an amazing blessing in my life. We can cry in front of him, for he has shared his own tears with us. He understood. He knew just how very precious those shared moments with a three year old angel meant to me. Then he showed me a photo of one of his favorite moments when he was holding his three old son in his arms, who is now 19 years old.
Fleeting, they are fleeting moments, BUT TODAY, I stopped in the middle of the insane intersection of my crazy life to APPRECIATE the gentleness of an innocent soul. And, her mother allowed it...Thank you, for that! We allow life to take over, worry invades, and stress robs us of life's enjoyments. Worry is essentially interest paid on a debt that isn't due yet. God brought Kennedy to me today...and she filled my heart with so much love that all the holes and aches that I was focusing on, vanished. I gained a new perspective. While wrapped in the loving arms of a three old stranger today; I found ME.
